After getting back from a weekend away, we come home to feathers everywhere. I freak out and so my dear husband goes in first to inspect the casualty. That’s what husbands are for, right? I stay behind and sweep away the feathers and only come out when the bird is safely out of sight.
The next morning, I go to hug my husband goodbye and notice he’s looking over my shoulder with an annoyed expression.
‘The cat got another bird’ he tells me. I run inside and he quickly disposes of victim number two.
I’ve had enough. I bring out the big one, the collar with a bell. That’ll fix her, right?
Half an hour later, I look out the window while washing the dishes. I see the cat running toward the bushes with a bird in her mouth. Still wearing my dressing gown, I grab my phone and fly outside screaming. I grab the outside broom and brandish it at my pet. She drops the bird and it half flies away. I stay there guarding the poor bird, waving my broom around whenever the cat tries to get near.
Almost hysterical, I call a friend and ask her advice.
‘The kindest thing would be to put it out of its misery’, she tells me.
I’m too young to become a murderer, it just isn’t an option. I call the vet.
‘Bring it around to us’, they tell me.
But how do I pick it up? I only have a broom and my dressing gown. I can’t leave the bird to go and get something else because the cat will get it. I can’t catch the cat because I’ve offended her by whacking her with the broom.
I step slightly away from the bird which gives the cat a way in and she goes for it. I dive tackle her before she can reach the bird.
Cat sits inside the door looking thoroughly affronted. I try to pick up the bird, but it flies away. Bird safely in a tree, I call my friend again to update her.
‘I can’t believe I’m raising such a monster!’ I say
‘It’s just her nature’ my friend replies, ‘you better be careful with her collar because she could hang herself if she’s climbing trees’.
‘I’d rather she hang herself than be a serial killer,’ I reply, but then I remember that I adore my cat and I would be a mess if anything happened to her. I hear a cough from over the fence and realise the neighbour has been listening in on my call. Oops.
I can’t risk the cat killing more birds, so I go out and buy a whole packet of bells and put them around her collar.
We now have a terrified neighbour who thinks a serial killer lives next door and an outraged cat who reminds us that Christmas is coming every time she moves.